Twins – Pregnancy Update

I’m feeling a little sad that I have not found the same amount of time, energy or inclination to blog about this pregnancy. I feel a bit sad that I won’t have it to look back on as my memory is a little less than great, but running around after a nearly 3 year old, working 4 days a week and keeping up with all the things I need to do at home means that blogging gets put to the bottom of the pile.

So what’s been happening I hear you ask…well, the start of the pregnancy wasn’t great. I had spotting right up until my 12 weeks scan which was pretty horrible. The worry was always there, but the 12 week scan came & went without any issue. However, it took a while for me to come to terms with announcing it to many people. Same issues as last time, a constant worry that someone would come & take this away from me (which has not gone away even now…I think this must be common with infertility).

But when 16 weeks came, I had a bleed but as I was seeing the midwife the following day, I decided it was just like the initial spotting I’d had and it wasn’t important. It’d had come & gone as fast as you like, but at my midwife appointment the following day she suggested I went to the antenatal day unit (ADU) for a check up. This resulted in an overnight stay in hospital, much to my dislike. We heard the heartbeats so knew the babies were OK, but I really didn’t want to be admitted…but I did as I was told.

I was let out the following day, but was told to rest for a week. 3 days later I had a fairly massive bleed so I went to the ADU again, however, this time they actually witnessed the bleed & rushed me onto the labour ward, put a cannula in my hand & examined me. They just didn’t know why the bleeding was occurring so in hospital I stayed, this time for 3 days. The whole experience was extremely scary but cannot fault the NHS with my care. On the 2nd day, when I was just over 17 weeks, we had a in-depth scan which showed that the babies were still growing as they should be & showing no signs of distress. So I was just prescribed bed rest for another week. The bleed was described as unknown and still is to this day.

Thankfully after that the bleeding didn’t return and I have, touch wood, been fine ever since. The only thing I have had is a short episode of Pelvic Girdle Pain, which thanks to the Physiotherapy I received in my last pregnancy I have been able to help that disappear, for now!

We have had a 20 week & a 28 week scan so far, plus we have visited the consultant who has advised the babies will come at 37/38 weeks and we are to have 4 weekly scan from 28 weeks onwards. I am now nearly 29 weeks, feeling massive and my legs and feet are not at all happy at the extra 1st 8lbs I have put on. I’m really struggling with sleeping as I just cannot get comfy once I’ve woken up in the early hours of the morning & it just doesn’t matter where I position my number of cushions nothing seems to help. I have gone down to 3 days a week, which I think is really helping and I have just 4 weeks left at work…not that I’m wishing my life away or anything.

I keep having irrational fears that the babies will come early & we won’t be ready for them. Most things are done, but still old clothes to sort through and hospital bags to pack. I feel really large & stretched, so even simple things like breathing in a big deep breath is difficult and, *TMI*, my undercarriage is incredible sore most of the time. I’m sure they are already trying to push their way out!

I hope to keep feeling well though, however much it may sound like I am moaning about feeling large, I am actually feeling fairly good. Much happier than I was at the beginning of my pregnancy, so long may it continue…

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FET – Viability Scan

Apologies for the lack of posting recently but running around after a toddler whilst struggling with IVF has been taking it’s toll. I’m not finding the time to look at Twitter very often, never mind writing blog posts, but thought I would write one today explain where I am currently at.

On the 23rd November we went into the clinic for our embryo transfer and we had to decide on whether one or two embryos were going to be put back. We weighed up the pros & cons and decided on the two, as one of them wasn’t has developed as the other.

Then the two week wait started, what a long time that was…finding it hard to concentrate at work due to wondering if every little twinge was related…always thinking, could it have worked?

The 7th December was testing day and unbelievably the test was positive…I’m not sure I could feel any more different emotions but then to learn that I had to wait until after Christmas for our viability scan was just heart breaking. All I wanted to know was that everything was OK. Between the 7th and today I have had spotting and sometimes bleeding maybe once or twice a week, which has been increasingly worrying. I was assured by the IVF nurses that bleeding was more common in FET cycles but still all my mind did was wander…

So today came and it was time for our viability scan…and…everything was fine!!! We can announce that I am currently carrying un-identical twins (yes, you heard correctly…TWINS!!!). One at 8w5d and on at 8w3d. Scary huh???

Shocked is probably the only word I can think of to describe how I am feeling. Obviously it is a wonderful thing, but was still shocked. Amazed to see the two little heartbeats just beating away! What a beautiful sight!

What now?? Well…it still hasn’t sunk in…I’m still kind of pretending it isn’t happening. I have to contact the midwife now to book in an appointment and a 12 week scan, which is what we’re working towards. Who knows what the future holds for us, but at this moment in time, I am carrying twins but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything is going to be OK!

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FET – Down Regulation

I am now 11 days into my buserilin injections for my 1st FET cycle and man…these headaches are crazy.

Looking back on my blog (as my memory is atrocious) I can see that I had slight headaches before, but I don’t remember them being as bad as this. I have basically felt like my head has been in a vice for about 6 days. And on top of that I have had the most amazing tension in my head, shoulder & neck, which really doesn’t help ?

I keep trying to think of the greater good & keep my hopes up that this all works, but I can’t help but feel pessimistic about it. I know I’m a nightmare, but hey, that’s me! I’m irritable, I’m spatially unaware, and too be honest, I’m on the edge.

Still another 24 days of injections to go! 

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FET – Troubles with friends

I feel like I almost need to apologise before I even write this post as I know I shouldn’t really feel like this but I need to get it off my chest.

It would appear that by deciding to do our FET cycle now, we have really upset our close friends. I’m really not sure what I could have done any different and the more I think about it the more I feel angry about the whole situation.

My best friends have been trying for a second child for about 3 years now and sadly they have had a number of problems, pregnancies which have ended in miscarriage, ectopic & surgery and one IVF which failed and I have supported her throughout these times as best as I can.

We only decided to do our FET cycle about 2 months ago after receiving a letter through the post in May, however, to be honest, both myself & my husband have hardly even spoke about it. Trying to not believe that we would have to go down that route again. But when my period came 2 months ago after a 31 day cycle & me believing that I may have finally fallen pregnant naturally (after 8 years), my husband suggested giving it a go. So the very next day I called the clinic to book in.

Unbeknown to me, my friend had decided to book in for her first FET cycle too and this means we are following the same cycle together. To which she seems to find this upsetting (as we didn’t tell her directly we were going to go ahead with it). The truth is, I called the clinic on the Monday & told her on the following Saturday. Is that too long even though I hadn’t seen her in between? I didn’t even think anything of it (maybe I should have, I don’t know) but I didn’t. I mean we’d hardly even discussed it ourselves, so why would I think to keep her informed more than I did.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why it would throw her for 6 but upset her so much she had to keep it in for 2 months and throw it back at me in text messages after me starting a fairly standard text chat?

I just keep thinking about it more & more and it’s making me cross. I mean, she never thought about my feelings when she announced she was pregnant with her first child, a year after I’d been trying. Nor did she think about my feelings when she started trying for her second child (2 YEARS LATER) before I’d even started my first round of IVF. And I know this will sound heartless, but she never thought about my feelings when she announced she was pregnant when I was in the middle of my first IVF (even though I know what she’s been through since then).

Does now that she has been trying for 3 years for her second baby, give her the dibs on infertility??? Am I now not allowed to be infertile & go through IVF because she is???

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Breast Pain

So for the last 2 weeks I have been getting a sharp shooting pain across my right breast. Sometimes like a cramp, sometimes like a bruise, sometimes aching, sometimes more than others, but mostly never the same pain…

It got to the point where I couldn’t pick up my son without grimacing and sometimes crying. So I decided that enough was enough and I booked an appointment at the doctors…I mean those that know me know that this is a pretty big step as it is (not to be forced to book an appointment, I mean)

I guess all I was expecting was to be told to take some painkillers, what I was not expecting was to be told that she had found something ‘nodular’ on the side nearest my armpit. I think from then I didn’t really listen. I heard things like, ‘not to worry’, ‘probably nothing’, ‘just a precaution’, but my head was spinning and, to be honest, still is.

My appointment has come through for the specialist breast unit at the hospital but I have to wait another week before I know anything & who knows how long after that. I am petrified, totally stressed out with worry & as the pain is there most of the time, thinking of nothing else (which is crazy considering my previous post about the FET cycle we are just embarking on)

I know I shouldn’t be worried as I am sure it will be fine, but I can’t help thinking the worse. Although I’m trying my hardest to hide all this worry from everyone around me.

Update: Everything was fine at the appointment…I was sent home without a ultrasound scan. I’m still getting the pain, but hopefully everything will be ok.

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FET – Cycle Started

So day one arrived and I rang the IVF clinic to advise them that I was ready to start my FET cycle. I was so nervous, this is such a major decision for me, feelings of 3 years ago all started to flood back. I get the feeling everyone around me just thinks that it easy to ‘jump back on that horse’…but I can assure you it isn’t. I’m worried & nervous all rolled into one & sometimes feel very alone.

This time we are privately funding so the process was a little different. I had to wait a few days for an invoice to be sent to me, which I then had to pay before they would release any information about appointments, etc.

So after ringing up on day 7 to pay my bill and I received my appointment card in the post the following day. Unlike before, where I felt as in control as I possibly could, this time I felt totally lost. We have had no appointment with anyone at this moment in time so I couldn’t get round what was going to be happening to me at all. I had to ring the clinic back to ask them to explain to me in detail what was going to happen to me in the next few weeks. To be fair, the lady who answered the phone couldn’t have been more helpful, she put me at ease as soon as I started talking to her.

So the plan is as follows:

I have to start taken a drug called Norethisterone, 3 times a day from day 21 (which is in 3 days time) until the nurse at the unit tells me to stop. I have my appointment at the clinic towards the end of September where I will receive all my drugs to get me to my 2nd appointment which is towards the end of October.

And so it all starts flooding back…how quickly you forget.

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FET – Wheels in Motion

So I was supposed to be waiting for a call from the IVF unit to see if we could start FET on this current cycle but after 3 days I’d still not heard anything so rang them instead. Unfortunately I was told my notes had been screen and 4 of my blood tests needed updating and I needed more information from my doctor so I would have to wait until my August cycle.

It’s not so bad I don’t suppose, it gives us a chance to get our heads around it a bit more. I’m due to go in mid August to have my blood tests taken (The first appointment I could get, talk about busy!), and then I have to give them a ring on day 1 of my next cycle. Who knows what happens after that? I’m hoping at some point I will get an appointment so we can talk through what drugs we’ll be taking & everything else that goes with it.

Nervous times…just not the exciting experience that everyone seems to think it is. I’m taking it little job at a time, that way there’s no getting ahead of ourselves.

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FET – Making the phone call

So after re-reading the letter we were sent by the fertility clinic I realised that we were supposed to get back to them about 6 weeks ago, so the panic started to set in. What happens if I was too late, letting them know?

I spent most of the morning on Monday, thinking about the phone call I was about the make for the next big step in our lives. When it finally got to lunch time I was shaking with nervousness…then, of course, they were on lunch too so I had to wait until about 3pm before I got to speak to anyone.

I was told that we might have 2 chances at FET as they can defrost 2 embryos at a time and we have 4 waiting for us, which was a nice thing to hear as I was under the impression they would all have to be defrosted at the same time. The embryologist asked when my last cycle was and as I was only on day 2 of my current cycle she said it may be possible to get straight in depending on a few things. The main one being space in the clinic.

So we are currently awaiting a phone call from them to tell us, yes or no. I’m feeling very nervous & very scared & to be honest I don’t really know how to feel. Having mentioned it to a few family members & friends, not everyone really understands the small percentages we’re working with or understands the heartache this may bring.

But I know I have to try…

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Body playing tricks

So without even really talking about it, the hubby & I have entered TTC for our second baby. As you will have read from my previous post, this is quite a big deal for me.

So having had a 26-28 day cycle for nearly a year when it came to the 29th day…I thought??? Really, could this be it…

30th day…

31st day…

So I thought…eeek…if I get to Monday, I’ll go buy a test on my lunch hour…

Well, this will not be needed. 32nd day came & so did Aunt Flo ? Mother Nature is a bitch ? 

But on the back of me trying to tell the hubby all this (as I didn’t want to get his hopes up) and me breaking down…I think we have come to the decision that using our frosties is the way to go. We need to give it a go…our best shot ? So that’s me making a call to the fertility clinic tomorrow! Wish us luck! 

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Second Child or Not?

I’ve not been on here in a while…My life has been taken over by a lovely little munchkin who is now nearly 2 years old. Logging back onto here, I realised that I only ever got as far as writing the title for my birthing story blog, which I will try to complete if my memory serves me right. I’d like to blame the munchkin but my memory has never been great. Guess time does really fly when you’re having fun.

But the main reason for me writing this entry is around the decision whether to try for another child or not. We were lucky enough to have 3 embryos suitable for freezing on the cycle we were successful and back in November we received a letter asking for £200 to keep storing the frosties for another year. I was nowhere near ready at this time so the decision was easy. We paid the £200 and I put them to the back of mind.

Until yesterday when I received a letter from the IVF clinic telling us we had 3 months to decide whether we wanted to use the frosties or they will be destroyed (Or we can pay £600 to store them for another 2 years, if our circumstances allow this). This totally threw me…just read the first few lines & started crying in the post office car park on my way to work, which wasn’t very helpful. Plus, I couldn’t think about anything else all day.

I had just started to think about possibly trying for another one. After the stressful 6 years that it took to have my little miracle, just the getting to this point has taken some time & even now, if I think about it too much I just burst into tears.

Friends say, “Oh don’t worry, once people have had IVF there’s loads of people we know who have fallen pregnant naturally”, which is very easy to say, but very difficult to believe. Or they say, “Just start trying & don’t get stressed out about it”, which again is very easy to say but when you have tried on & off for 3 years, intensely for 2 years and 2 lots of IVF in 1 year, how can it not be stressful.

Yes, of course I know if might happen naturally and if it does, great. But I have to think about the what ifs…What if it doesn’t, what if those frosties are my last chance. Using them will be expensive and if they don’t work, can we afford another full blown IVF. Would I even want to considering how sick I was last time? There’s so many questions that go round in my head that I find so hard to deal with (Can’t you just tell, I’m ever the pessimist)

Then I look at my little miracle & think…it was worth it for him…so why wouldn’t it be worth it again to give him a brother or sister. I have always wanted 2 children and yes, if I end up only ever having one, I have been totally & utterly blessed, but I should really give it a try.

I guess at the end of the day, I’m just scared to open myself up again to all that hurt & disappointment.

Anyone else felt this way?

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